A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the need for us to be receptive to the gift of constructive feedback. Some respondents wondered about the giver of the feedback. One of the comments came from someone who said that those giving the feedback should also learn to give them with kindness and empathy.
I wholeheartedly agree!
The only problem with this is that you and I have no control over how the giver of the feedback chooses to give it. What we can control is our own receptiveness to it even when the gift comes wrapped inside a prickly cactus.
The situation is different however when WE are the giver of the gift of feedback. As the source of feedback, you definitely want to have self-awareness in the manner you deliver the gift. It should be done with compassion and kindness.
But I'm also aware that doing it this way doesn't guarantee that the recipient will not take offense. No matter how kind and gentle feedback comes, some people would never like it because they would always see it as an indictment of their character.
That's the reason I think there's an even better way.
In the interest of full disclosure, I'm not saying that this better way is simpler. In fact, I think it's most likely more difficult for some of us, myself included. But it's better because it increases the chances of delivering better results, which is a change in behavior.
What's this better way?
Tell people who they are. Or remind them who they are.
To be sure, this doesn't mean we should no longer give people the gift of constructive feedback. There will be times when that will be needed. But I've discovered that it’s more impactful when such feedback comes sparingly and with many instances of reminding people who they are, sprinkled between each feedback.
So, what do I mean when I say it's better to tell or remind people who they are?
Consider this scenario: your son behaves in a disrespectful manner contrary to what he's been taught. In trying to correct the behavior, most parents would most likely reprimand the child and tell him what should be done next time. I know that would have been my tendency. When this continues repeatedly, the child could become adamant and defensive when most infractions are dealt with this way.
But imagine a situation where instead of a reprimand, the child is told who he is - "You're known to be respectful. What's happening with you?"
Consider another situation where one of your team members at work makes a mistake or drops the ball on an assignment. Rather than writing her up or putting her on a personal improvement plan, you simply tell her such mistakes are out of character. "You're a careful and diligent person. Is anything going on?"
These types of responses reinforce the positives about who they are. In doing so, you're offering them a much healthier environment in which they can grow. The result is that they try to live up to that expectation and find their true path.
This is the reason I believe this approach is a much better gift than constructive feedback. I think this could have prevented instances where we raise kids who become resistant to receiving feedback as adults. It can also help in work situations where the people you lead see you as an insatiable taskmaster.
I wish I had thought of this many years ago. I didn't then, but I do now. So do you.
And it's never too late to course correct and begin to dish out this better gift.